This must be my month of finishing. I'm getting good at not starting a new project until I've finished another. This was based on Nicky Epstein's free pattern floating on the web. It took a LONG time to find this pattern - I don't think its well known. Other than the stocking dimensions, candy cane and holly leaves, the rest of the stocking design is my own. I think it needs one or two more things (and the back is plain), but I wanted to leave room for making a new embellishment every year. The off-white yarn is not 100% wool - its a very soft, fluffy yarn I found at Jo-ann. I had to trim with red furry fabric so that we could stuff the stocking with goodies without stretching it out. I still need to embroider Nathan's name on it. (Mimi is making Andrew's stocking). I also used the knitting machine that my friend Jan taught me how to use on the body of the stocking. It only took 10 minutes to knit!
I also used the knitting machine on the gray sweater that I am wearing in the previous post. Thank you Jan for teaching me!
Next project will be to finish this project that I started a few months ago.
Sunday, October 29, 2006
Knitted Stocking
Friday, October 27, 2006
Thursday, October 26, 2006
I bribe my sons

This is the sweater that I had made for Andrew - I finally got him to stand still for a picture. Of course I had to bribe him (1) one Hershey's Kiss to be a model for 5 minutes.
I also knit the grey sweater I'm wearing. Its for my mom as a gift so I'll post more detailed pics of it another time.
More pics
Sunday, October 15, 2006
Sunday, October 08, 2006
Brothers
Photos from October 7th - I wonder how much longer I can dress the boys in the same clothes before they tell me to stop torturing them! We had a wonderful day today - the boys were very nice to each other and behaved like gentlemen at the restaurant.
Before going to the super-nice restaurant, I told Andrew that there are rules when we are at a restaurant.
No crying.
No whining.
No fighting.
Act respectable.
"Do you understand, Andrew?"
"Yes Mommy. act despicable."
We laughed so much I almost shit my pants! He tried so hard to say "respectable" and each time it ended up sounding like "despicable." You are so cute Andrew.
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
Good riddance, September!
Its almost Halloween! Andrew, you want to be a firefighter. Nathan, we decided you
are going to be Bob the Builder, mainly because a) you look so good with powertools and b) we already have the costume. Maybe next year, when you are able to say more than,
"Mommy I want some chocolate," then you can choose your own costume!
Nathan, thank goodness September is O-V-E-R. You had such a tough month. Lets see:
a) you grabbed a sharp paring knife from the kitchen table and cut your hand
b) had massive diarrhea
c) got a yeast infection on your butt & coochie from the massive diarrhea
d) got electrocuted because you decided to yank the cord of the lamp and break off the light bulb with your bare hands
e) almost choked because your Ma gave you a piece of chicken without tasting it first and it had spicy sauce on it
f) big bump on the middle of your forehead because your Ma wouldn't give you chocolate at 5:55pm - right before dinnertime, so you decided to throw a temper tantrum on the hard tile of the kitchen floor
g) ate a nickel and almost gave your Ma a nervous breakdown and an ulcer until you crapped it out
Wow, I hope social services isn't sophisticated enough to have a blog-scanner, looking for idiots who blog to the public about their bad parenting....I mean, how stupid can people get!?! :-)
Nathan, you are learning new words everyday! Its so cute to hear you say, "Where'd Daddy go?" with a shrug and both palms up in wonder. You've also squeezed Mommy's boobs together with your two little hands and said, "DOCTOR." - are you trying to tell me something?????
You love to color. Everyday I get a special treat when I pick you up from school - a new masterpiece to put up on the fridge. I'm going to save all your artwork and make a quilt out of it.
Here's to a safe October kid!
Andrew,
My sweet, sweet Andrew. I sneak over to the bed when you are sound asleep and give you a
soft kiss. You are an angel. You love it when Mommy rubs your back when you are trying to
go to sleep. "Mommy, rub my back please." I love rubbing your back, it comforts you.
I took both of you to the candy store last Friday. We each got a small bag of candy. Nathan wanted "M's", you wanted chocolate covered gummy bears, and Mommy wanted gummy frogs, gummy tarantulas and gummy centipedes.
We get into the car, and each of us enjoying our treats. Halfway home, you say to me, "Mommy I want your gummies!"
"No Andrew, you got your own gummies. These are Mommy's gummies."
"I want YOUR gummies!"
"Eat your own gummies."
"BUT...BUT....GOD said to SHHAARREEEE with me!"
(silence)
holy moly. my kid is using God to manipulate me!!!! Did I share my gummies?
Friday, September 29, 2006
A very good morning
This morning, you woke up and quietly came downstairs and watched TV by yourself so that you could let Mommy sleep in. Then, when I woke up and came out, the first thing you said to me was,
"Mommy, I love you. You are my best friend." and you gave me the biggest hug in the world.
My son, I love you too.
Love,
Mommy
Monday, September 25, 2006
Peach Pie
It just occurred to me that I'm a chef, but I've never even blogged about my cooking.
One day, I'll compile the best of my recipes and my Mom's and create a family cookbook. This Peach Pie will surely be one of them.
The crust is light, flaky and so crumbly! Peaches are in season and a 2-day rest on the counter yielded perfectly ripened fruit for pie.
2 of my favorite things in my kitchen at the same time in the same picture....homemade pie and my Nespresso espresso maker. I can't stand it anymore, I think I'll just sneak just one tiny slice before I go to bed.
Amusement Park Terrorist
I wore my usual tank-top (it was insanely hot and humid).
Upon entry, I was stopped by this short, fat, ugly old lady in uniform.
"Excuse me Miss..."
I didn't respond, because I didn't think she was speaking to me. I just don't fit the profile of a amusement park terrorist.
"Um, EXCUUUUSSEEEE ME MA'AM!!!"
I cocked my head in her direction, just curious to see which crazy customer she was referring to. She was coming directly at ME fast and furious. Oh crap. What did I do now? I instinctively checked to make sure my zipper was up and my nose was free of hanging snot. (don't laugh, I bet you do that too)
(heavy breathing) because walking all of 10 yards really took her breath away. "Miss, you MUST wear a tank top over whatever you are wearing." She was pointing at my top with her finger that resembled a snausages dog treat.
1. I was wearing a halter top, the tie is behind the neck, double knotted
2. It was long, covering my belly completely
3. My halter top was turquiose and blue, very fashionable colors
I checked myself over, "What are you talking about?"
She purses her lips in a "I'm a guest relations specialist at DisneyWorld,
the happiest place on earth, and YOU ARE AN OBSTACLE in Walt's
mission statement" sort of way.
"You need to cover your top up. Its not acceptable. What if your knot comes out and your top falls down?"
WTF???!!!?? Yeah lady, and what if your fat lips suddenly snapped back up and over your head? It was so ridiculous, not even funny.
I had Andrew in my arms, and instead of saying anything, I just turned my back on her and walked away, giving her an under-handed backflip middle finger.
I heard her scramble to get her manager like it was the end of the world if I didn't cover up because my knots might come loose and heaven forbid if my flabby tits would frighten the children of the world.
I turned around as Manager came over to me. It was an older, bald man.
I flashed a flirtacious smile at him.
Manager says, "oh she's fine."
I almost stuck out my tongue at Snausages. As my son would say, "neener neener neener, you're a big fat weeeeennneeer!"
HUGE stomach
Menu:
1 bowl of oatmeal
1 banana
3 Hershey's kisses
1 big bowl of chicken noodle soup
Applesauce
3 slices of pizza
chicken breast
broccoli
peach
milk
juice
and cookies
He's so proud of his belly. Strike a pose!

It was so big that when we sat down for his storytime, he lifted his shirt up and started rubbing his belly, sort of as a soothing, comfort thing. hmmm.....I can just see him 20 years in the future, just like Ted Bundy with his hand in pants and remote in other.
Andrew's Donkey Sweater
Its finished! and its PERFECT! Its a yummy soft sweater knit from Rowan Cashsoft DK - the color is called "Donkey" - therefore the sweater is called Andrew's Donkey Sweater.
I haven't sewn the buttons on yet, for the picture I just put them in place.
The pattern is from book "Natural Knits for Babies and Toddlers." Originally, the pattern called for different yarn with different guage, and it was sized for 18mo toddler.
Spunky Clara from my local yarn shop helped me resize it to use this yarn and for a 4 year old. For the first time, I finally feel comfortable kntting and understanding the construction process. I used to follow a pattern line by line, praying that the end result would look something like the photo.
Now, I can knit and understand why I am knitting each stitch - and can see the construction in progress. Its so cool that I'm creating clothing and not just spending $40 at Gymboree for clothes! Hopefully, my kids will appreciate that their mother hand-made this sweater and not toss in the Goodwill pile after I'm long gone.
I have this fancy dream that this Donkey Sweater will be passed on from generation to generation, each time lovingly wrapped and presented to the next "Hair" rugrat down the line. Maybe, just maybe each generation will treasure my hand-made creations....and tell stories of old "Gramma Jaden" and how she used to spend all of the family's grocery money on yarn.
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Saving for college
gulp.
I watched the whole thing in horror - kinda like in slow motion - as he was putting it in his mouth I reached towards him saying "nnnnnNNNNNOOOOOooooo"
too late.
all gone.
After frantically calling the pediatrician, my brother, poison control, wikipedia and the Pope, it was concluded that we would wait for him to shit it out.
Doctor: "hahaha. Is he saving for college? Its the second most common injury to kids. He'll probably just pass it out."
Me: "But its a NICKEL"
Scott: "I think he's fine - he's playing, laughing and beating up his brother already."
Me: "But what if its going to hurt coming out? Its a NICKEL. Nickels are heavy and round and big."
Scott: "He'll shit it out."
Doctor: "Call me if you don't see it by Tuesday."
Me: "You try shitting out a nickel."
--
So I don't know who nominated ME to be the shit digger, but sometime between Saturday night and Monday morning, he must have shat at least 7 times - no nickel - just to torture me.
Weapons of choice: surgical gloves, mask, popsicle stick
Every time the bugger shat, I had to go through it. And whose fat idea was it to have broccoli the night before? Lets just say that I WILL NOT MAKE GUACAMOLE for a loooooonnnngggg loooooooonnnnnnggggggg time.
--
Monday morning, I had to explain to his teachers that if he did a "Bowel Movement" (Christian day-care center doesn't use the word "shit" in their language) - please save it for me and I will dig through the crusty
I was really getting worried.
Tuesday is only a few hours away! What then? Its not like they would use a pipe cleaner to wiggle it out.....right???
Maybe fishing line and magnet?
Mini intestinal vacuum?
Well, he crapped the nickel out at school late in the day. Knowing my kid, 5 pennies probably came out of his ass.
I was actually upset that the teacher didn't keep the nickel as
The teacher said that a round "black" object came out in his diaper. Upon closer inspection (hmmm...I wonder what *that* specifically meant - did she poke at it? did she hold it up close to her eyes?) she noticed it was coin-sized and hard. Conclusion: nickel expelled.
Teacher described in such detail that it makes me believe that she's gotten some
kind of attachment to the thing. How scary. And why is the nickel black now? Does my son have nickel residue stuck in his body forever? I wonder if will have some long term side effect like premature baldness. Who knows.
Here is his report card. See, I told you they say "Bowel Movement" - BM for short:

What really worried me was that he came home with artwork:

Doesn't it look like "drag the poopie nickel across the paper" artwork??? They are very resourceful, those Christian day-care teachers. Closeup:

Wednesday, September 13, 2006
More Teeny Tiny Swaps!
This one is from Chloe in Los Angeles. There are lots of fun crafts to do - we've eaten all the candy already!

This one is from Megan - she sent us pretty postcards and halloween craft stuff!

Here are my alien boys. They didn't know what pipe cleaner was, so the first thing Andrew did was, "Look at me, I'm a scary monster!":


We sent out 3 packages, here are our new friends: Kaylee & Titus
Sunday, September 10, 2006
Disneyworld!
It was a very fun day, but I'm totally exhausted....here are some pics:


Happy Birthday to our favorite girl!
"Hi Po-Po! I'm at Magic Ding-dong" (talking to Po-Po on phone, trying to tell her we are at Magic Kingdom)
Saturday, September 09, 2006
Thank you Josie!



We got a Teeny Tiny Swap in the mail today! This one is from Josie in Colorado. She sent the cutest little tiny suitcase - inside the suitcase were itsy bitsy crayons, stapler, tape and bits of colored paper with pretty purple stick glue. The boys had so much fun - it was Andrew's first time using a stapler, and he sat there for 20 minutes stapling everything he could find. The boys sat at their little table together and colored, taped, cut, stapled, and stickered. We also got 2 CDs - they were so fun to listen to, especially since it was a rainy day outside. Thank you SO much Josie!
Pouting.
Nathan wants chocolate.
No chocolate before dinner.
Nathan pouts.
Lip so fat it bounced off the ground and slapped him silly.
Thursday, September 07, 2006
Busch Gardens!

Monday, September 04, 2006
Welcome home!
WIP: Laptop bag

I've been searching for a stylish laptop bag, but can't find one that
a) is not vinyl
b) is not boring
c) does not scream, "steal me, I hold an expensive laptop inside"
I'm makin' my own....almost done, need strap and closure. I wonder if a magnet closure would ruin a laptop? Will have to ask my technicians in the morning.
WIP: Andrew's quilt

We went to Super Ghetto-Mart (Wal-mart) today and Andrew saw this train fabric in the craft section. He grabbed the whole bolt of fabric and hugged it. When I tried to pry it from his greasy french-fry stained hands, he pitched a massive fit in the middle of the store. Two hunched backed pruny grandmas looked over and said, "oh how cute, he wants you to make him a quilt for nap-time! what a smart boy!"
Shit.
How the hell was I supposed to respond to that? I shot them a dirty look, grabbed the bolt and threw it in the cart. So, basically I was guilted by granny trannies at ghetto-mart. Andrew picked himself off the floor and I swore he gave me a triumphant smirk.
Oh yeah....I have a renewed faith in mankind. (cue in the trumpets and heavenly harps)
In my daze this morning, I left my driver-side door WIDE-OPEN in the super ghetto-mart parking lot. An hour later, I returned and found the door open. Nothing was stolen!! Not even my MP3 player, not even the 53 cents in change, not even the Thomas the Tank Engine DVD!!! (well, I wouldn't have minded if someone took the DVD because I am SO SO SO sick of listening to it) God bless America!
Armani

Some of Andrew's first words included "Armani" and "Bacardi". No joke. I think our friends Tony and Rick taught Andrew those words. Nathan woke up this afternoon from a 3 hour nap and stood up in his crib, waited patiently for me to come over and rescue him from his jail, and said, "Armani."
Dear boys,
Between our variable-rate home equity loan and getting screwed by greedy oil companies, we can't afford to buy Armani clothes that you both will eventually soil with spaghetti fights at dinner time or squirt Hershey's chocolate syrup on because you think its funny that the squeeze bottle makes a FART sound. Can you please choose more appropriate words and phrases that would be helpful to our family economy, like maybe next week's winning lottery numbers?
Also, Andrew, just a simple request, can you please stop trying to stick gummy bears up your brother's nose?
Love,
Ma
WIP: Vogue knit skirt


Work in progress: a knitted skirt. Why the hell did I choose to do this project?? It looked SO yummy on the cover model of Vogue Knitting. Am I delusional or what?!? No way in hell will I EVER be 5'10" and 110lbs. I am going to end up looking like I'm wearing grandma's crusty ol' pink doiley thingy. When I was little, I used to take a doiley thingy, cut a hole in the middle and make my Barbie doll wear it on a date with my brother's He-Man. My mom never let me have a Ken doll...I wonder what evil things she thought I would do with 2 plastic toys? hmmmm....but never mind, Ken was so totally gay. He-Man and the Incredible Hulk gave better tongue action anyways.
I think the universe is getting me back for my demented childhood.
For little Payton


I don't have time to post much about Payton, but she is a 4yr old daughter of friends here in Lakewood Ranch. She has a very rare form of brain cancer and is undergoing some tough treatments right now. Her cancer is so rare that they don't even have a treatment plan written up. Bad news today - I spoke with her father, and Payton's MRI yesterday showed growth and movement of the tumors. They are heading back up to Duke Hosp this weekend for radiation. I came home after speaking with Patrick. I was very sad and decided to make her a little gift...an apron and matching purse.
Swap!

I signed up for a mini-kiddie swap, which means I send a nice package to 4 other kids. In return, Andrew will get 4 little packages from other people.
I made this headband for 3 of the girls (the other is a boy) and a home-made card.
I see stars!
Cutest little book - you look through this little tiny hole to see the pictures. Andrew tried closing one eye to peek through the other, but he kept closing the wrong eye! So I taught him to put a hand over one eye.
Mommy got in trouble
I know you are so so so smart, but please don't repeat me when I am cussing. Things like, "OH SHIT!" or "WHAT AN ASSHOLE" are only for big people's ears. And if you do happen to catch me saying one of these nasty comments, please just don't repeat them to your Daddy. Especially not when you are sitting on the toilet going poo-poo and when Daddy is in the hallway within earshot...please please PLLEEEEEZZZZZEEEE do not shout "OH SHHHHHEEEEEIIIIIITTTTT!!!" so loudly. Its not good for your Ma's parenting priveleges. Plus, both of us don't fit very well in your 'Time Out' chair.
I know its a tough job being a 3 yr old, so I give you permission to mouth those words to yourself, but just small, mouth movements with no sound, please. That is all.
Love,
Ma
Slouchy throwaround bag

I love the colors used in this bag....esp when I can use up scraps and create something pretty!
Flower pocketbook

My first hand-embroidered project. It wasn't that hard, nor did it take very long. I just kept poking myself with the sharp needle. I wanted to highlight the flower, so I kept the rest of it fairly simple. The brown hand stitching pulls the colors all together.
Me not guilty
Efficient Pisser
My, my. How the cycle of life works. Tonight, Andrew took off all his clothes to take a bath. Usually, he pee's by himeself - I thought I had trained him well in the art of aiming directly in the pot. So, I've come to trust that my son not only pee's with precision laser aiming techniques, but also that he wipes all his dribbles with a nice folded square of toilet paper.
Tonight, he was in a hurry. He really reallllly realllllly wanted to get in the tubby to play with his boats. So I told him to pee first. He stands up on his little 6" plastic stool in front of the toilet. Both the lid and the seat were down, so he proceeds to grab both with his hands - one on each side of the lids. Lift about 4 inches, just enough to clear his weiner. Looks in the mirror at the reflection of me, flashes me a million dollar, "look at me, Ma, I'm pretty clever" smile, thrusts his hips forward and pisses directly in the pot between that ittty bitty oh-so-tiny 4" crack (all while still holding both lids with both hands). Spies his brother taking his toys, tells his brother, "No Nathan, thats my boat!!!" Finishes pissing. Wiggles just a bit to get the last dribbles in the pot. In one fluid motion, lowers the lid back down 4 inches with one hand, the other hand reaches over to flush the toilet, and steps down from the stool. Runs to the tub.
TA-DA!!!
Now, that is a model of efficiency. One day, highly paid consultants will study this technique and write white-papers and best practice studies complete with elaborate work-flow diagrams. Maybe we should trademark it now.
Or....it could just be a sign of laziness. Crap. I already feel sorry for his future wife.
BUT....what if his hand accidently slips, or even more likely he has a nagging itch on his butt that he instinctively reaches for. THE LID WILL DROP DIRECTLY ON HIS WEINER. This will cause thousands in medical bills, not to mention years of psycho-therapy. Crap. Now I feel sorry for all of us.





















