Efficient Pisser

Andrew cracked me up today. I love his personality and I like to think that I've done well training this rugrat. What I didn't take into account was the "efficiency" gene...the same one that got passed down from my Mom to me, and me to my Andrew. My Mom is the most efficient person that I know. She can multi-task like a super star. In fact, if she were a super hero, I'd probably dub her "Efficiency Woman" When we were growing up, she was the one who would be in the middle of chopping onions for dinner, watch a dramatic Chinese soap-opera, come up with dinner menus for the next two weeks, scratch the dog with her left foot, on the phone chit-chatting with a neighbor about tomorrow's Mah-jong game, right ear listening that I practiced piano music for a whole half hour - note for note, and left elbow grating carrots. All the while, she is also scolding my brother, "Ah-Jay-ah! Do your homework!"

My, my. How the cycle of life works. Tonight, Andrew took off all his clothes to take a bath. Usually, he pee's by himeself - I thought I had trained him well in the art of aiming directly in the pot. So, I've come to trust that my son not only pee's with precision laser aiming techniques, but also that he wipes all his dribbles with a nice folded square of toilet paper.

Tonight, he was in a hurry. He really reallllly realllllly wanted to get in the tubby to play with his boats. So I told him to pee first. He stands up on his little 6" plastic stool in front of the toilet. Both the lid and the seat were down, so he proceeds to grab both with his hands - one on each side of the lids. Lift about 4 inches, just enough to clear his weiner. Looks in the mirror at the reflection of me, flashes me a million dollar, "look at me, Ma, I'm pretty clever" smile, thrusts his hips forward and pisses directly in the pot between that ittty bitty oh-so-tiny 4" crack (all while still holding both lids with both hands). Spies his brother taking his toys, tells his brother, "No Nathan, thats my boat!!!" Finishes pissing. Wiggles just a bit to get the last dribbles in the pot. In one fluid motion, lowers the lid back down 4 inches with one hand, the other hand reaches over to flush the toilet, and steps down from the stool. Runs to the tub.

TA-DA!!!

Now, that is a model of efficiency. One day, highly paid consultants will study this technique and write white-papers and best practice studies complete with elaborate work-flow diagrams. Maybe we should trademark it now.

Or....it could just be a sign of laziness. Crap. I already feel sorry for his future wife.

BUT....what if his hand accidently slips, or even more likely he has a nagging itch on his butt that he instinctively reaches for. THE LID WILL DROP DIRECTLY ON HIS WEINER. This will cause thousands in medical bills, not to mention years of psycho-therapy. Crap. Now I feel sorry for all of us.